It's been too long. TOO. LONG.
Truth be told, I forgot my password. How I forgot a password that is well over THREE YEARS OLD is beyond me, but today I remembered.
HUZZAH!!!
Do you know what I hate?
Other than being away from you, of course....
CUPCAKES.
BLECH.
Let me start off by saying that I work for Satan. Literally. I work for a horrible, evil company that makes a profit off of killing the Earth and check fraud.
I LOVE MY JOB.
Because I work for such a horrible evil company, I get lots of fun perks. Like Fridays off and complimentary bags of pistachios in the break room. But today, today was the worst day I've ever had at work.
Why, you ask?
Because today was MAY BIRTHDAY EXTRAVAGANZA.
I guess that every month, our "team" of Satan worshippers gets together in the conference room for a "Cupcake Party :)".
You're wondering why I refer to it as a "Cupcake Party :)". That's because whenever someone e-mails me about the "Cupcake Party", they put a smiley face behind it, as though this smiley face will make "Cupcake Party" seem like a positive thing.
Anyhow, I show up for the "Cupcake Party :)" at 1:30 because it's mandatory for "team building". I take a seat and the mailroom boy passes around two boxes of cupcakes. A mint green box of bakery treats makes its way into my gnarled claws when I finally realize...
I FUCKING HATE CUPCAKES.
I look down into this cardboard infrastructure of corn starch, and I instantly see CUPCAKE FROSTING.
CUPCAKE FROSTING is not like normal frosting. CUPCAKE FROSTING is that that trampy girl dancing on the DJ's platform at your favorite indie bar. TOO MUCH.
At this point, the smell of CUPCAKE FROSTING wafts up to my hooked nose and I get a strong impulse to run. My body and mind are saying, "FUCK THIS SHIT, PULL THE FIRE ALARM, LET'S ROLL."
But I can't. Because we're "team building", and I have to pretend like I care that Jamie and Todd were born in May. FUCK YOU JAMIE AND TODD. WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME.
Back to the present. Mailroom boy is standing over me with these two boxes of pain, and he's getting antsy because passing out cupcakes at the "Cupcake Party :)" is his only job and if he screws it up, my boss will sure as shit find another illiterate street urchin to incorrectly distribute mail in our cubbies. He says, "Pick one" in his whiny, poverty-stricken voice.
I panic. I don't want a fucking cupcake, and that's what I want to say, but the room is getting quiet and everyone starts to stare at me because I'm holding up the "Cupcake Party :)" with my sociopath antics. Blurrily, I mutter, "Surprise me."
SURPRISE ME.
Who says that shit?
Apparently I do.
He gives me a strange look, then fishes his ink-stained hand into the middle of one of the boxes, pulling out the Hitler of cupcakes...
THE PINK GLITTER SPRINKLE CUPCAKE.
No.
NO NO NO.
It sits in front of me on the conference table, mocking me for my poor decision-making skills. I hear its squeaky voice hissing, "Congratulations, dumbass, now you have to eat me and I'm the worst one in the fucking box."
I am visibly upset. While everyone else is chatting away about software updates and next week's weather forecast, I stare down this piece of shit in front of me and decide that I'm not going to eat it. FUCK NO. Damn the man. I'm not eating this fucking cupcake.
Until the woman seated next to me, who happens to be a "Cupcake Party :)" overlord, tells me that she made them. Then she asks me if I'd try mine, and tell her if I like it or not.
FUCK.
Again, the whole room is staring at me, because I'm new and a sociopath and both of these things are apparently fascinating. The moment of truth. Will I listen to my heart and my body, and say no?
OF COURSE NOT. WHY THE FUCK WOULD I DO THAT.
No. I take a bite of the damn cupcake. Let me itemize how I hate cupcakes, from start to finish.
1) I hate the word "cupcake".
2) I hate the wrinkly wrappers on the bottom of cupcakes.
3) I hate how every cupcake is drowning in CUPCAKE FROSTING
4) I hate the way cupcakes smell. Like a mixture of food dye and pencil shavings.
5) I hate the way cupcakes ae shaped. They're an awkward shape.
6) No one looks sexy while eating a cupcake. You look hungry and scared, but never sexy.
7) The texture of cupcakes is gross and wet.
8) Glitter sprinkles are equivalent to eating tiny shards of glass.
9) CUPCAKE FROSTING sticks in my esophagus.
Cupcakes are sensory terrorism. As soon as I'm done with a bite of a cupcake, I feel unworthy of living. I feel as though I'm full of corn starch and lard and I can remember the good things that I ate for lunch, and how pissed off they must be that they're having to share the lining of my stomach with glitter sprinkles.
This is why I HATE YOU, cupcakes. Burn in the oven and develop little hearts and DIE.
Lucy
